Can I Give You Some Unsolicited Advice...?
That phrase makes me cringe.
The first time someone asked me that, I felt my shoulders tighten before they even finished the sentence. I braced myself, like I was about to be hit with a “truth” I didn’t want to hear. And honestly, I’ve caught myself doing the same thing, eager to share my “helpful” wisdom before checking if the other person even wanted to hear it.
Over the years, I’ve learned that the way we frame advice often matters more than the content. Neuroscience and psychology both back this up: when we feel cornered or unprepared, our brains default to protection, not openness.
So, how do we avoid triggering resistance and instead open doors to partnership?
Start With Your Intent
I had a moment years ago when I was about to tell a colleague something I was sure would help them. But before the words left my mouth, I caught myself. Why am I saying this?
- Was I really trying to be helpful?
- Or was I subtly trying to prove I was the more experienced leader in the room?
- Was I seeking to gain power, or to empower them?
- Was I trying to get them to change their behavior for my benefit, or for theirs?
That pause saved me. Because here’s what psychology tells us: humans are exquisitely tuned to sniff out hidden agendas. Research on emotional intelligence shows that when people sense even a whiff of competitiveness, jealousy, or ego, their receptivity drops dramatically (Goleman, 1995).
So the first filter is this: If my advice serves me more than them, I need to keep it to myself.
The Science of Asking for Permission
Think about the last time someone blindsided you with criticism in front of others. Did you feel curious and reflective? Or did you feel defensive, embarrassed, or maybe even angry?
When we don’t feel we’ve agreed to feedback, the brain often perceives it as a social threat. Neuroimaging studies show that rejection or unwanted critique lights up the same neural circuits as physical pain (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). That’s why “unsolicited advice” so often stings.
But here’s the hopeful part: when you ask permission, “Would you be open to a thought I have?” you flip that dynamic. Suddenly, the person has agency. Their prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thought and openness, stays online. They’re less likely to shut down and more likely to actually consider what you’re saying.
And if they say “no”?
That’s the moment to respect the boundary. Because if you plow ahead anyway, next time their defenses will be up before you utter a word.
The Power of Setting the Stage
I remember one conversation where the timing made all the difference. I could have offered my thoughts in a tense team meeting, but I waited. Later, I asked my colleague privately, over coffee, if they’d be open to hearing my perspective. They said yes, and what followed was one of the best conversations we’d had.
The environment matters. Psychologists call this “context-dependent receptivity.” We are more open to feedback when we feel safe, unhurried, and not under social threat. That’s why one-on-one settings work far better than crowded rooms.
Even language matters. Saying, “I’d like to share an observation” feels softer than, “Can I give you some unsolicited advice?” The latter phrase carries baggage. It primes defensiveness before you’ve even spoken your point.
Treat Advice Like a Fragile Package
These experiences taught me to see advice like a fragile package. If I toss it at someone, it breaks and creates a mess. But if I walk it over carefully, checking my intent, asking permission, and setting the stage, there’s a good chance the other person will unwrap it and even thank me later.
The science of trust (Cialdini, 2006; Zak, 2017) reinforces this: when advice is delivered with care, respect, and genuine interest in the other person’s growth, oxytocin levels rise.
That “trust hormone” makes people more open to influence, more willing to partner, and more likely to follow through.
A Skill Worth Refining
Sharing unasked-for advice is risky. Done poorly, it bruises relationships. Done well, it deepens them.
So the next time you feel the urge to jump in with your unfiltered wisdom, pause. Ask yourself:
- Am I doing this for them, or for me?
- Have I gained their agreement to hear me?
- Is this the right setting and time?
If the answers line up, go ahead. If not, hold it. The best advice in the world can wait for the right moment.
Reflection Prompt:
Think of a time when someone gave you unsolicited advice that actually helped. What made it different? Was it their intent, the timing, or how they asked for permission?
Final Thoughts
In leadership and in life, advice is powerful—but only if it’s given with clarity, care, and timing.
When you align intent, respect boundaries, and set the right stage, your words stop being “unsolicited advice.” They become a gift of trust, growth, and connection.
Want to Go Deeper?
I help leaders and business owners turn messy conversations into moments of clarity and growth.
If you’d like practical tools and real-world coaching support:
Subscribe to my Newsletter
Explore coaching at [DaveKoshinz.com]
Book your free clarity call
Because clarity isn’t just a skill—it’s a strategy for sustainable leadership.
#Leadership #ClarityOverChaos #LeadershipDevelopment #BusinessCoaching #FeedbackCulture #EmotionalIntelligence #LeadWithClarity #SmallBusinessLeadership #TrustAndGrowth
