I still remember the first time I got it, once again I had snapped at someone on my team.
It had been a long week, and a small frustration pushed me over the edge. My words came out sharper than I intended. Their face dropped, and I knew I’d crossed a line.
In that moment, I had two choices. Pretend it hadn’t happened—the old way—or step back, own it, and apologize. I chose the second.
Here’s what I noticed: the apology mattered more than the mistake. By taking responsibility, I showed my team what accountability looks like. I reminded them that leaders are human, and that being human is not a weakness. It’s a teaching tool.
Leadership Is About Context, Not Control
The most powerful leaders I’ve seen—whether in business, nonprofits, or community organizations—don’t lead by control. They lead by setting the context.
Think of a good leader as the person who shapes the stage so the performance can succeed. The actors still have to act, the musicians still have to play, but the leader ensures the lights are right, the sound is clear, the environment supports the work, and the players are primed and ready.
That’s what leadership is at its core: setting the conditions for success.
- They shape the environment and relationships so people have the safety and trust to bring their best.
- They share context up front to reduce surprise, resistance, and confusion.
- They orient their teams step by step, building incremental agreement before tackling bigger challenges.
When leaders neglect this role, they often default to blunt tools—demanding more effort, raising expectations, or creating consequences. Those may be necessary at times, but they aren’t the first line of leadership. They’re fallback tools.
The first line tools are subtle: context, clarity, and structure.
Your Actions Teach, Whether You Mean Them To or Not
One of the things I’ve learned over decades of leading is that everything you do teaches. Whether you intend it or not, people are watching.
- If you show up late to meetings, you teach your team that lateness is acceptable and the meeting isn't important. And maybe they aren't important either.
- If you consistently prepare and come ready to engage, you teach them that preparation matters and meetings are for getting things done.
- If you snap at someone without taking responsibility and apologizing, you teach that snapping is an acceptable behavior.
- If you apologize, you teach that accountability matters more than being right.
- When you act differently than you tell them to act, you teach that there are no real standards of behavior.
The late psychologist Albert Bandura described this as social learning theory—the idea that people learn more by watching others than by listening to instructions. Your team is absorbing lessons from you every day, often unconsciously.
That means you are always teaching—even when you don’t think you are.
Perfection Is a Trap
Too many leaders fall into the perfection trap. They believe their job is to always have the answer, never make mistakes, and keep their struggles hidden.
I’ve seen this in executives who spin every story to sound like a win, who won’t admit when they’re confused, and who mask exhaustion under bravado.
Here’s the problem: your team isn’t fooled. They can tell when you’re faking it. They may not say it out loud, but the gap between what you present and what they sense creates distrust.
Research on leadership credibility (Kouzes & Posner, The Leadership Challenge) shows that honesty and authenticity consistently rank as the top characteristics people look for in leaders. Not charisma. Not brilliance. Honesty.
You don’t need to be perfect. You need to be real.
Vulnerability Builds Trust
One of the most powerful shifts I’ve seen in leaders is when they embrace vulnerability.
When you say, “I don’t know, but let’s figure this out,” you model curiosity and humility.
When you admit, “I made a mistake,” you model accountability.
When you share, “This is hard for me too,” you normalize struggle and perseverance.
Neuroscience supports this. Studies of trust show that oxytocin—the brain chemical that fosters bonding—rises when people perceive authenticity and openness. Vulnerability literally changes the chemistry of your team, increasing collaboration and resilience.
Think about the alternative. Leaders who hide their mistakes or pretend they’re untouchable shut down growth—for themselves and for their teams. When no one feels safe admitting what they don’t know, problems fester. When no one feels safe trying and failing, innovation dies.
Integrity Is the Core of Leadership
At the heart of all this is integrity. Integrity isn’t about never stumbling. It’s about alignment—between what you say, what you do, and who you are.
When you live in that alignment, people trust you. Even when you’re imperfect, they know where you stand. And that trust becomes the foundation for every success your team can achieve.
The philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” Leaders live this truth every day. Your example always carries more weight than your instructions.
The Call to Lead Differently
So where does this leave us?
Leadership is not about appearances. It’s about creating an environment where people—and you—can grow.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
- Set the context. Don’t just hand down tasks. Share the “why.” Help people see the bigger picture. Prepare them for success.
- Model accountability. When you mess up, own it. When you don’t know, admit it.
- Teach through example. Every behavior, big or small, is a lesson your team is learning.
- Stay approachable. Create space for questions, feedback, and even disagreement.
- Choose growth over perfection. Show your team that learning is more valuable than pretending.
It’s hard. And it’s possible.
The leaders I respect most are not flawless. They are real. They are learners. They are willing to be seen as human, and in doing so, they give their teams permission to be human too.
A Personal Invitation
So I’ll leave you with the same question I ask myself on the tough days:
What lesson am I teaching through my example today?
It’s a question worth carrying with you into every meeting, every decision, every moment of leadership. Because the truth is, people are always learning from you—whether you like it or not.
The only real question is: What do you want them to learn?
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