We are all doing exactly the right thing.
That may seem like a strange claim, especially when considering destructive, toxic, or even abusive behaviors. But if we examine the influences on any given person—their history, memories, personality, psychology, physiology, environment, beliefs, and values—it becomes clear that they are acting in accordance with those factors. They are, in a sense, doing exactly what they “should” be doing based on how they have been shaped.
This idea forms the foundation of what I call radical acceptance. It is not the same as agreement, endorsement, or passivity. Instead, it is a clear-eyed acknowledgment of reality as it is. Radical acceptance is a starting point for meaningful transformation, whether in ourselves or in others.
From Judgment to Wonder
When we start from radical acceptance, we replace judgment with wonder.
Why does this person act this way?
What has led them to this moment?
What are the invisible forces shaping their behaviors?
Rather than immediately rejecting people or behaviors, we become curious. We recognize that behind every action—even harmful ones—lies a complex dynamic. This does not excuse negative behaviors, but it does help us understand them.
Fortunately, I do not work with people who are far down the spectrum of abuse and destruction. However, I do work with people who have been labeled “toxic” by others. In nearly every case, we can unravel the intricate web of beliefs, environments, and physiological responses that contribute to their actions. And, more often than not, it is those very beliefs—about themselves, about the world—that sustain their behaviors.
But before we can examine and shift those beliefs, we need a foundation of radical acceptance.
Self-Acceptance as a Path to Influence
One of the most surprising insights of radical acceptance is this:
The more we reject parts of ourselves, the less power we have to change them.
If we treat another person with rejection and hostility, we have little chance of influencing their beliefs or behaviors. The same is true within ourselves. When we resist, deny, or suppress aspects of ourselves we dislike, those parts often become more entrenched, more resilient against change.
Paradoxically, when we fully acknowledge and accept our own behaviors, patterns, and thoughts—even the ones we wish to change—we gain influence over them. Acceptance does not mean resignation; it means seeing clearly. Through this clarity, we can recognize the deeper patterns that lead to negative outcomes. We can cultivate curiosity instead of shame, and in doing so, we create the space for transformation.
Radical Acceptance as the Foundation of Change
Consider the analogy of planning a trip. If you want to get from here to there, the first step is knowing exactly where here is. If you do not know your current location, you cannot chart a path forward.
Radical acceptance is about knowing where here is.
It allows us to acknowledge:
What we are feeling
Why we are feeling it
How our environment, past experiences, and physiology are influencing us
The beliefs we hold (whether helpful or not)
Only with this awareness can we create real, lasting change. Without it, we may find ourselves in a cycle of self-deception—trying to change from a place of denial, which rarely works well.
How to Cultivate Radical Acceptance
If radical acceptance is the foundation of transformation, how can we cultivate it in our lives?
1. Practice Noticing Without Judgment
When you feel frustrated with yourself or someone else, pause. Instead of reacting with blame, simply observe. What are you feeling? What are they feeling? What might be driving those feelings? And even if you react, you can always step back and notice your judgments, then ask yourself "how true are these?".
2. Acknowledge, Without Trying to Fix Immediately
When something unwanted arises—whether it’s an emotion, a behavior, or a pattern—resist the urge to immediately “fix” it. Instead, acknowledge it fully. Name it. Recognize it as part of your reality in this moment.
3. Shift from Judgment to Curiosity
When you catch yourself judging—whether it's yourself or others—pause and ask:
What might be leading to this?
What belief or experience is shaping this reaction?
What does this tell me about the deeper patterns at play?
4. Use Mindfulness and Body Awareness
Radical acceptance is not just a mental exercise—it is embodied. Notice where tension arises in your body when resistance shows up. Breathe into it. Let yourself feel without pushing away.
5. Recognize That Acceptance and Change Are Not Opposites
Many people fear that if they accept themselves as they are, they will never change. The truth is, acceptance is often the very thing that allows transformation to occur. You are not giving up—you are seeing clearly, and clarity is what enables intentional growth.
6. Reflect on the Journey, Not Just the Destination
Instead of fixating only on goals, take moments to reflect on where you are. This includes both successes and struggles. By fully acknowledging your current reality, you ensure that any change you pursue is built on solid ground.
Final Thoughts
Radical acceptance is not about complacency. It is not about tolerating harm. It is about starting from reality as it is—so that meaningful change can follow.
When we approach ourselves and others with curiosity instead of condemnation, we see more clearly. We understand more deeply. And through that understanding, we gain the power to shift, grow, and create new possibilities.
It all begins with the courage to see—and accept—where we are.
And from there, everything becomes possible.
