Dave Koshinz PCC - Blog , Relationship

When Helping Hurts: Confessions of a 'Hero' Leader

Wed, 13 Aug 2025 09:07:57 -0700

When My Helping Hurts: Confessions of a “Hero” Leader

I used to think of myself as the reliable fire-fighter—swooping in whenever flames licked at a project or a teammate’s confidence. Hero-ing felt noble: deadlines met, crises averted, everyone safe. But somewhere along the way I noticed something unsettling. The more often I rescued, the fewer sparks of ownership I saw in my team’s eyes.

That realization forced me to name four default habits that quietly undercut the very growth I said I wanted to foster.

1. The Hero Cape I Can’t Seem to Fold Away

Whenever a task wobbled, I’d grab it: “I’ll fix this—faster for everyone.” Part of me loved the adrenaline rush and the gratitude. Yet every time I caught the rebound, I robbed someone else of the chance to dribble, stumble, and ultimately score. My efficiency became their ceiling.

What I’m practicing: biting my tongue and my urge to snatch the ball. Instead, I ask, “What’s your next move?” Even if the play unfolds slower, the ownership that grows in the gap is worth the clock time.

2. The Silent Wish for Self-Correction

I’d notice a misstep and silently hope a teammate would see it too—surely they’ll self-correct. When they didn’t, frustration simmered. The truth? My avoidance wasn’t kindness; it was fear—of conflict, of dampening morale, of being the “bad cop.”

What I’m practicing: framing feedback as an investment, not a reprimand. I start with shared intent (“We both want this client thrilled”) and then describe the specific behavior and its impact. Clear beats kind-ish vagueness every time.

3. Wanting Their Growth More Than They Do

Nothing lights me up like potential. I routinely set stretch goals I’d be ecstatic to chase—then watched team members meet them with polite enthusiasm. I finally realized I was scripting my own ambition onto someone else’s chapter.

What I’m practicing: co-authoring growth. I ask what they want—professionally and personally. When the motive is theirs, the momentum is real. My role shifts from pusher to partner.

4. Bubble-Wrapping Them from the Hard Stuff

I shielded my team from thorny clients, messy budgets, high-stakes presentations. My intent was care; the effect was constraint. They stayed comfortable, but comfort rarely sparks mastery.

What I’m practicing: gradual exposure. I still stand nearby, but I hand over the microphone, the spreadsheet, the tough conversation. And when things get rocky, we debrief together instead of me jumping in mid-stream.

The Cost of My Defaults

Left unchecked, each pattern fed the next:

Hero-ing drained my energy, making me impatient and less available for strategic thinking.
Avoided feedback meant mistakes repeated, which tempted me to rescue again.
Over-investing in their growth led me to snatch challenges they weren’t “ready” for—reinforcing the bubble-wrap.

Round and round it went, locking my team into dependence and me into exhaustion.

Four Micro-Experiments for Fellow Heroes

The 10-Second Pause
When you feel the urge to rescue, count to ten. Use the time to craft a coaching question instead of a solution.
Feedback in 60 Seconds
Keep feedback short: Observation → Impact → Question. (“I noticed the deck ran five minutes long, which rushed Q&A. What might tighten it next time?”)
Growth Ownership Check-In
Ask each team member this month: “What skill or project would feel thrilling—not just safe—to master by year-end?”
Hard Problem Buddy System
Pair a teammate with you for the next difficult client call. They lead; you observe. Debrief side-by-side afterward.

A Closing Note to My Fellow Rescuers

Your instinct to help is a gift. But gifts become burdens when given at the wrong moment or in the wrong way. Leadership isn’t about always swooping in; it’s about creating the space where others discover they can fly.

So before you pin on the hero cape again, ask:

Am I protecting them from failure or from their own potential?

The answer may be the spark that turns your greatest default into your greatest development tool—for them and for you.

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How Well Do You Know Your Vendors?

Fri, 22 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Building solid relationships is essential for business growth. Connecting with your vendors opens doors to new clients and raises brand awareness. Your vendors play a crucial role; their success translates to your growth. Deepening these connections can unveil growth opportunities you might have missed.

Here's a straightforward approach to creating partnerships with your vendors:

Start with Communication: Reach out to vendors with a performance-linked incentive proposal.
Collaborative Planning: Create an incentive plan with their input. Understand what drives and motivates them.
Clarity Above All: Ensure the incentive plan is transparent and easy to understand. Clear terms foster better results.
Look Beyond the Initial Sale: Value ongoing transactions. This approach includes:

Encouraging repeat sales.
Promoting premium products or services.
Cross-selling other products.

5. Craft a Strong Offer: Your incentive should be compelling and competitive.

Engage with your vendors in meaningful ways. Utilize their skills and connections for mutual benefit. If you need help crafting an effective incentive plan, I'd enjoy brainstorming your ideas so that we can streamline the process and maximize results.

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When the Mentor Is the Mentee

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 11:21:15 -0700

Another kind of mentor.

Several of my greatest mentors were my clients. Their mentorship came through their willingness to fully engage as a client while I was bringing a new service model into existence. This is true collaboration and mutual mentorship. Few people have the skills and aptitude to be in a mutual mentorship, but when it happens the benefits are immense.

Here's an example of mutual mentorship in action. I was working with a highly skilled client on getting her service business off the ground. We kept running into mindset blocks that were getting in the way of her doing the necessary branding and marketing work. I proposed a shift in how we were working together. I thought it would be most beneficial to focus on what was getting in the way. Intelligent strong willed people can get stuck, their strong beliefs are powerful drivers in some ways, but are powerful impediments in others.

There are many ways to work on a belief system but the most effective require a group. My client and I were working one on one. We could have continued by using the methods available, but this was an opportunity to innovate. I had come up with the idea for a new way to bring the benefits of group work into the one-on-one work I was doing with this client. However, it was unproven and not fully formed.

Fortunately I was working with an innovator. I proposed that we explore the new model in our work. She agreed and her collaboration was instrumental in refining the new model and bringing it to my work with other clients. She experimented with me and provided insightful feedback on the work we were doing together.

We worked together for two years and the model we developed is key to helping my clients resolve mindset and belief system blocks. The model allows my clients to spend more time driving the outcomes that they desire with greater clarity.

Rapid and effective innovation requires partners with a different perspective, but who can also see eye-to-eye with us. In a larger organization, that may be a team member. But if the innovation is truly outside of the box, it can be hard to find a collaborator able to partner with you, and help bring an idea into reality.

Collaboration inspires the process of moving from idea to reality, but how is that being a mentor? A good mentor is not a teacher, advisor, consultant, or coach. A good mentor is someone with mastery who inspires the mentee to bring their unique version of a craft into the world. A good mentor co-creates something new, not because they are a master, but because they are so masterful that they can help the mentee bring forth something new.

The mentor I am speaking of here is masterful, but may not have mastery in the particular craft at hand. At times, this form of mentorship can be more beneficial than someone who knows everything about a craft. With this type of mentorship, the idea or craft is not restricted by old ways and limitations that restrict even those with mastery of that craft.

Masterful mentors; listen to understand, are bold in asking questions, are inspired by your work, see your potential, do not rush to conclusions, and give feedback that is rich, practical, and bold. Often it is more valuable to find a mentor who is masterful than one who has mastery, unless that mentor is also masterful.

I have benefited from having several mentors who were not masters of my craft, but were masterful in collaborating with me on my ideas. From those mentorship relationships, innovation came along with mastery.

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Why do owners feel alone when they work with people everyday?

Wed, 24 May 2023 10:03:02 -0700

Running a small business can be incredibly rewarding, and it can also be incredibly isolating. My last business started with five employees and grew to thirty-five. I was with people all day, yet sometimes I felt so alone. There was no-one who could really understand the challenges I faced everyday. I was the entrepreneur, the guy who everyone relied on to make the hardest decisions and solve the insoluble problems. I involved my team in brainstorming sessions and problem solving, yet some of the core existential problems were mine alone, and so I often felt isolated.

Unlike larger companies with multiple departments and a layer of management, small business owners oversee all critical decisions. They handle everything from accounting to marketing, customer service to product development. It's a lot to manage on their own, and it can be challenging to find someone to discuss business matters with. Small business owners feel like they don't have anyone who truly understands the unique challenges and pressures they face.

In many industries it is difficult to find mentors to turn to for advice or guidance. And many mentors or advisors do not have the communication skills needed to provide the effective and efficient support needed by an overworked business owner. With ineffective support the owner still feels like they are on their own.

Another factor in the owners' loneliness is that the responsibility of owning a small business can be overwhelming, and often the overwhelm can be inescapable. Even when not at work, the owner feels they have to be thinking about their business, what needs to be done, and what challenges they'll face tomorrow. This can make it hard to relax and enjoy personal time with friends and family. Creating another level of isolation from their family and friends.

Overall, while small business ownership can bring immense personal satisfaction, it can also be a lonely journey. Without a strong support system, small business owners experience isolation and find it challenging to navigate the ups and downs of entrepreneurship.

Getting the personal support that you need is part of optimizing the success of the business. The thing is you are the one factor that is most influential to the success and sustainability of your business.

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